Fraternity Spring Rush Starts Tonight

A pack of floozy GDIs promote the now-non existent LSU ΣΑΕ.

Tonight, fraternity boys will flirt across the row, hoping to expand their chapter's presence on campus. I want all rushees to be familiar with my widely-accepted tier chart. Do not let the crap fraternities fool you into thinking they run shit. (Click here to view Fraternity Tier Chart) I'd like to help the likely-confused boys in making their decisions over the next few days.

A few rush Dos & Don'ts:

DO: Enter each house with a GOOD attitude and an open mind.

Regardless of the extremely accurate rankings that I've given to each fraternity, it's important to remember to keep an open mind. You will be dropped by a house if you hold an attitude of superiority. The houses you think are worth your time might drop you, in which case you'll need the lower tier houses to fall back on. After all, the only thing worse than being in a lower-tier Greek chapter is being in no Greek chapter.

DO: Dress to the nines.

Superficial, yes, but that's Greek life for ya. You must dress to impress. It's important for boys to have a respected logo on their clothing. (Ralph Lauren, Southern Tide, Southern Marsh, Vineyard Vines, Lacoste and Brooks Brothers are all excellent options). Wear a pair of clean Sperrys (and do not wear socks with those Sperrys - that can not be stressed enough.)

DO: Shave & maintain personal hygiene.

Facial hair itself is not reprehensible. Some boys look good with facial hair. But rush week is not the time for face foliage: it makes you seem unconcerned with looking your 'best'. So grab those razors, nail clippers/filers, tweezers perhaps. Slap on some deodorant and get yourself a handsome haircut.

DO: Ask questions.

Social awkwardness is a definite issue for many during rush, but the upside is that you may fill any unfortunately silent moment with a simple question regarding each fraternity. Question ideas: Fraternity colors & mascots, fraternity philanthropy, most popular parties of the chapter.

DON'T: Wear the following:

US Polo Assn. (Could you not afford an acceptable brand of this style? Financial struggles are not desirable when selecting PNMs). Express. (Tacky). Hollister, Abercrombie, Aeropostale, American Eagle. (Time to grow up. We all, at one point in time, wore these clothes. But it's time to leave behind this gaudy trend). Cargo shorts/pants. (I'm not explaining. If this shocks you, drop out of rush now and enjoy your many nights to come at the Varsity Theater for the next few years). V-necks (It took you a semester to realize it, but Greek Life is where it's at. Furthermore, v-necks and fraternity boys simply don't coexist). Tennis shoes. (Wear Sperrys). Socks with Sperrys. (Mentioned earlier, but surely worth rehashing. Don't do it).

DON'T: Use the word 'frat'.

Nothing distinguishes the Non-Greeks of this campus like their use of the word 'frat'. As Jimmy Tatro taught us all: you wouldn't call your country a 'cunt' (or a 'count', Jimmy). There are many chapters with boys who hold unimaginably high esteem for their fraternity, and consider the word 'frat' disrespectful when in reference to their chapter. If you're going to be a fraternity boy within LSU's Greek system, you need to realize that the word 'frat' is nauseating.

DON'T: Brag.

Shocking, I know, but no one wants to hear about your dad's fortune 500 company and his sport cars and vacation spots. There are appropriate ways to casually reference any of these things, but still, do not dwell on it. Personality will get you invited back to later rounds where you can more thoroughly open up on these tabooed topics.

DON'T: Name drop.

The irritating Q&A sesh with someone you're just meeting as to who knows who is annoying in general, but especially during rush. Of course I know her/him? She's in my sorority.. Are you suggesting we aren't a close-knit chapter? Rush week is meant for you to get to know the members of each chapter, and it's in poor taste to talk with one person about other people the entire time. Do you not wanna talk to me? Although it's impressive that you're connected with the house already, do not rely on those connections. If you matter, your 'connections' have already/are going to continue to promote you to the rest of the members of the house.

DON'T: Talk about other houses.

I don't pretend to be an expert on boys' rush etiquette, but I'd like to think that chapter-trash talk is a universal no-no during rush - regardless of gender. Does another house really like you? Good for you, no one cares/wants to hear about it. Also, you never know who knows who - someone could be best friends with the house you're talking about. Are you a double legacy ΚΑ whose dad was a legend? If that's the case, the house is already familiar with who you are. Spend this time getting to know the people of the house. Maybe your dad's alma mater is not what you want. This is a decision for the next 3-4 years of your time at LSU.

DON'T: Solely discuss partying.

Everyone drinks, and everyone gets cray every now and then: so no fish tales about how much you drank once in Panama. Maybe you've never drank? Keep that to yourself. Some houses may think, bro, you don't even drink? CUT! Some houses may view this as a mission: Let's haze the tar out of him. Interesting segway..

DON'T: Mention hazing.

First of all, hazing isn't even supposed to take place. Your Rho Alpha (who may or may not be from another fraternity) is close by, and will not hesitate to report anything he hears. Hence, no one is going to talk to a PNM about it. Don't be that guy. If you're planning on rushing an upper tier house, chances are you're going to be hazed. Accept it or go lower tier. (Refer to fraternity tier chart for fraternity tier order).

DON'T: Go TKE.

Not sorry. Not even remotely sorry. Just don't do it. I have yet to meet a TKE at LSU. How do they even afford the Barn with so few members?

I hope I've been of some assistance to you boys rushing!